How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop? How
many times did you pick up a Tootsie Pop and try? Mr. Owl says, “A-One, A-Two,
A-Three!” and then “CRUNCH”. I’d like to
think that I exhibited a little bit more control than just three licks before I
bit into the center of the Tootsie Pop… But probably not.
So, then, how many days does it take to get
over a breakup? I’m on 158 today. It feels like day two still. So, I did a
little research on the “How to deal with grief over a breakup” and this is what
I found…
Denial
After spending time with your significant other, a
breakup can leave you in denial, pretending as if it's not happening and
everything is going well. A sudden change to your lifestyle can feel abrupt,
and you may not want to acknowledge what has taken place. You may tell friends
you're "on a break," insinuating that you'll get back together,
instead of accepting the breakup and moving on. Denial is a normal part of the
grief process, and you shouldn't feel ashamed if you don't want to admit the
change in your relationship status right away.
Stage One… Spending a lot of time together before leaving felt a
lot like this. Basking in the denial of the train wreck I dreaded facing.
Hoping that “My Knight in Shining Armor” would swoop down and pick me up and
wipe away all doubts and misunderstandings and proclaim his undying love for an
eternity of blissful love. Or maybe even just the adventure of doing life
together for the rest of our lives. Pivotal point. Leaving because he wouldn't fight for me to stay… Or even ask me to stay. Leaving because I believed it was
the right thing for me to do.
Anger
Anger can cause you to place the blame of the breakup squarely on
the shoulders of your significant other. College News notes that anger is often
the result of one partner betraying the trust of the other, but even if the
breakup is technically your fault or idea, you may still feel angry that you
were driven to the breakup. Contain your anger and make sure that you don't use
it against your ex in a way that could be deemed abusive. Find other ways to
release your tension, like exercising or working.
Stage 2… When I entered the relationship, I knew that I wanted to
do things differently. I knew that I would always want to honor this
relationship wherever it took us. So, experiencing anger at the situation
seemed to contradict my desire to honor his choice. I respect that a choice
cannot be made by someone else JUST to make someone happy. Choices need to come
from the desire of the heart and mind – It’s a conscious heart decision. So,
why would I want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me in the same
way? What the hell! I felt (still feel) anger at him, anger at the situation,
anger at myself. It frickin’ hurts! So I tied my shoe laces and went outside
for a run…
Bargaining
Bargaining is a natural part of the grief process. As you finalize
the breakup, you may suddenly feel desperate to fix things. You may plead with
your partner to take you back and promise to change. If you believe in a higher
power, you might submit to prayer in the hopes that your ex will change his
mind and want to come back as long as you promise to be a better person. In the
end, bargaining can make you feel depressed and lonely when the terms are
denied.
Stage 3… Awwwh, yes. Facing some pretty terrifying family situations
drove me to pick up the phone and pour my heart out. And rekindle hope.
H.O.P.E. Damn hope… Unrealized hope is like a scab being ripped off a huge
sore. Debilitating at times. So, I tied my shoe laces and went for another run…
Depression
After your bargaining goes in vain, depression follows, making you
feel sad and upset about the state of your relationship and your life. The
University of California Riverside says that depression can manifest in many
ways, including frequent mood swings, loss of interest, a change in eating
habits or a change in weight. The U.S. National Library of Medicine cautions
that the typical grief curve lasts about two months, and that suffering from
depression longer than that could warrant a trip to see your doctor for
treatment.
Stage 4… Manifestations of depression. Yes. Of course. Absolutely.
The grief curve is two months? What the heck? And when do you being counting the days of
grief? Since the last time you heard the words 'I love you'? Or the day you walked out the
door? So again, I tie my laces and head out for the trial…
Acceptance
As you ascend from your depression, you'll likely realize that the
reality is you have suffered a breakup and it signifies the end of your
relationship. While acceptance doesn't necessarily mean getting over the
breakup, never feeling sad or always being happy, it shows that you understand
the situation and feel ready to move on with your life. Acceptance allows you
to seize control and find peace and calm following the breakup.
Stage 5… Acceptance. Hummmmm… Really? I want to
scream “That’s bullshit!” And, as I recently acknowledged, as long as I hang
onto “him” I cannot grasp my “new and improved” future. Well, lucky me.
Sarcasm. My friends are tired of picking me up by my shirt collar, drying my
tears and telling me “It’ll be okay, I promise.” Frankly, I’m getting a little
tired of my tears, too.
I have to, have to, have to, HAVE TO LET
GO.
But I don’t want to let go of the midnight
whispers, the morning snuggles, the silly nonsense conversations, the way he made
me laugh, the adventures, the games, the family, the dreams, the future. I
thought we were pretty darn good for each other…
What I want is to let go of all the things that separated us… The
obscure “Thing” that came between us. Whoever “It” is and wherever “It” came
from can go crawl back under the rock where it came from. I hate “It”. I want “It” to give me my Life
and Love back… Damn thief.
Oh yeah I’m working on “Acceptance” of my
situation. Okay.
I’m still working on that.
Have you heard that cute Country song "Mama's Broken Heart" that goes:
"Go and fix your make up, girl - it's just a break up. Run and hide your crazy and start actin like a lady 'cause I raised you better! Gotta keep it together, even when you fall apart. But this ain't my Mama's broken heart! Powder your nose, paint your toes, line your lips & keep em close. Cross your legs, dot your i's and never let 'em see you cry."
Hide your crazy...
So really, how many days does it take to heal a
broken heart? I need to know…
It's been 158 days and I have no answers. I guess I’ll just tie my laces and pound it out
on the pavement. Again.
I'm going to need new shoes soon....
My Crazy's Showing,