How Many Licks Does It Take

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop? How many times did you pick up a Tootsie Pop and try? Mr. Owl says, “A-One, A-Two, A-Three!” and then “CRUNCH”.  I’d like to think that I exhibited a little bit more control than just three licks before I bit into the center of the Tootsie Pop… But probably not.

So, then, how many days does it take to get over a breakup? I’m on 158 today. It feels like day two still. So, I did a little research on the “How to deal with grief over a breakup” and this is what I found…

Denial

After spending time with your significant other, a breakup can leave you in denial, pretending as if it's not happening and everything is going well. A sudden change to your lifestyle can feel abrupt, and you may not want to acknowledge what has taken place. You may tell friends you're "on a break," insinuating that you'll get back together, instead of accepting the breakup and moving on. Denial is a normal part of the grief process, and you shouldn't feel ashamed if you don't want to admit the change in your relationship status right away.

Stage One… Spending a lot of time together before leaving felt a lot like this. Basking in the denial of the train wreck I dreaded facing. Hoping that “My Knight in Shining Armor” would swoop down and pick me up and wipe away all doubts and misunderstandings and proclaim his undying love for an eternity of blissful love. Or maybe even just the adventure of doing life together for the rest of our lives. Pivotal point. Leaving because he wouldn't fight for me to stay… Or even ask me to stay. Leaving because I believed it was the right thing for me to do.

Anger

Anger can cause you to place the blame of the breakup squarely on the shoulders of your significant other. College News notes that anger is often the result of one partner betraying the trust of the other, but even if the breakup is technically your fault or idea, you may still feel angry that you were driven to the breakup. Contain your anger and make sure that you don't use it against your ex in a way that could be deemed abusive. Find other ways to release your tension, like exercising or working.

Stage 2… When I entered the relationship, I knew that I wanted to do things differently. I knew that I would always want to honor this relationship wherever it took us. So, experiencing anger at the situation seemed to contradict my desire to honor his choice. I respect that a choice cannot be made by someone else JUST to make someone happy. Choices need to come from the desire of the heart and mind – It’s a conscious heart decision. So, why would I want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me in the same way? What the hell! I felt (still feel) anger at him, anger at the situation, anger at myself. It frickin’ hurts! So I tied my shoe laces and went outside for a run…

Bargaining

Bargaining is a natural part of the grief process. As you finalize the breakup, you may suddenly feel desperate to fix things. You may plead with your partner to take you back and promise to change. If you believe in a higher power, you might submit to prayer in the hopes that your ex will change his mind and want to come back as long as you promise to be a better person. In the end, bargaining can make you feel depressed and lonely when the terms are denied.

Stage 3… Awwwh, yes. Facing some pretty terrifying family situations drove me to pick up the phone and pour my heart out. And rekindle hope. H.O.P.E. Damn hope… Unrealized hope is like a scab being ripped off a huge sore. Debilitating at times. So, I tied my shoe laces and went for another run…

Depression

After your bargaining goes in vain, depression follows, making you feel sad and upset about the state of your relationship and your life. The University of California Riverside says that depression can manifest in many ways, including frequent mood swings, loss of interest, a change in eating habits or a change in weight. The U.S. National Library of Medicine cautions that the typical grief curve lasts about two months, and that suffering from depression longer than that could warrant a trip to see your doctor for treatment.

Stage 4… Manifestations of depression. Yes. Of course. Absolutely. The grief curve is two months? What the heck? And when do you being counting the days of grief? Since the last time you heard the words 'I love you'? Or the day you walked out the door? So again, I tie my laces and head out for the trial…

Acceptance

As you ascend from your depression, you'll likely realize that the reality is you have suffered a breakup and it signifies the end of your relationship. While acceptance doesn't necessarily mean getting over the breakup, never feeling sad or always being happy, it shows that you understand the situation and feel ready to move on with your life. Acceptance allows you to seize control and find peace and calm following the breakup.

Stage 5… Acceptance. Hummmmm… Really? I want to scream “That’s bullshit!” And, as I recently acknowledged, as long as I hang onto “him” I cannot grasp my “new and improved” future. Well, lucky me. Sarcasm. My friends are tired of picking me up by my shirt collar, drying my tears and telling me “It’ll be okay, I promise.” Frankly, I’m getting a little tired of my tears, too.

I have to, have to, have to, HAVE TO LET GO.

But I don’t want to let go of the midnight whispers, the morning snuggles, the silly nonsense conversations, the way he made me laugh, the adventures, the games, the family, the dreams, the future. I thought we were pretty darn good for each other…

What I want is to let go of all the things that separated us… The obscure “Thing” that came between us. Whoever “It” is and wherever “It” came from can go crawl back under the rock where it came from.  I hate “It”. I want “It” to give me my Life and Love back… Damn thief.

Oh yeah  I’m working on “Acceptance” of my situation. Okay.

I’m still working on that.

Have you heard that cute Country song "Mama's Broken Heart" that goes:

"Go and  fix your make up, girl - it's just a break up. Run and hide your crazy and start actin like a lady 'cause I raised you better! Gotta keep it together, even when you fall apart. But this ain't my Mama's broken heart! Powder your nose, paint your toes, line your lips & keep em close. Cross your legs, dot your i's and never let 'em see you cry."

Hide your crazy...

So really, how many days does it take to heal a broken heart? I need to know…

It's been 158 days and I have no answers. I guess I’ll just tie my laces and pound it out on the pavement. Again.

I'm going to need new shoes soon....

My Crazy's Showing,

-Cheryl

[Advise column taken from http://www.livestrong.com/article/125548-stages-grief-after-breakup/#ixzz2QsJn56wP]